A Fickle Momma Heart
Mother’s Day is fast approaching. And I’ve been mulling it over. What do I want for Mother’s Day? My husband has been asking. He may be deathly afraid of screwing it up after the Kai tsunami. And he’s not far off…after having Kai I’m fairly confident a trunk full of gold bars wouldn’t feel sufficient. We’ve bounced and cried and nursed and bounced and cried for ALMOST SIX MONTHS now. I’d love to say we’ve turned a corner. Love to say he’s an entirely new baby, delightful. Gentle. Kind. But he’s one of those kids that has you scratching your head and wondering how early is too early to drink. Except I’ve never really drank and all I really want to drink is Starbucks…like the entire store. So what do I really want for Mother’s Day? The first thought that comes to mind, if I am completely honest, is the desire to celebrate Mother’s Day by pretending I’m not a mother. I want to wake up at 11, sit down to eat breakfast in it’s entirety without reheating 14 times and making sure its soy and dairy-free. In fact, I’d like to put Trader Joes vanilla ice cream on top of butter on top of my french toast just to spite the whole darn thing. In this magical world there would be no dirty dishes, flying sippy cups and refusal to eat food that have mistakenly been found to look ever so slightly like “an icky bug.” Then I’d like to sit in my joy chair and read. Something really good and really long without phantom baby cries tricking your ears. Then I’d like to get dressed and go out on the town with my husband. And I mean dressed. A shirt that doesn’t require access to the goods so baby can eat. Jewelry that won’t become a pull toy. I’d like to do my hair (at this point that would require getting the manual out to figure out how you start a hair dryer).
You see, if you’re a lot like me you want what you don’t have. If you aren’t a momma yet you can’t wait for the day. If you don’t own a house yet, you can’t stay off Zillow long enough to brush your teeth. If Webster defines colic Kai Kleker, you want the happy-go-lucky dream baby that every one else seems to have. If you’re a tired, cry-numb momma the first thoughts jumping in your head when allowed to dream about a glory day is wanting to go back to the no kid glory days. Except those were the days I ached so badly to have kids. There was hope in that place and honestly I was the one in control. I could make that dream exactly how I wanted it to be. Clean house. Angelic little squishy faced babies that LIKE sleep. And I mean a lot. The point is that there is always striving, in every stage of life. But this doesn’t sit well with me. And it shouldn’t because it isn’t right. It speeds up life and leaves us feeling empty handed, passed over and forgotten and we are never those things. We are seen. We are loved. And our lives our brimming with blessings.
I recently read (I know, go ahead, round of applause please) the book by Becky Thompson called “Hope Unfolding” and it was a wonderful. It made my momma heart lighter because sometimes being a momma feels ever. so. lonely. Every person on the planet at this point knows being a mom is a full time job. That’s why they gave us a holiday. Clearly it takes stamina to fight the good fight and these littles are always worth the fight. But I also know myself. I know that the only reason my first thought was to celebrate Mother’s Day by pretending to not be a momma was simply because that would be easier. Easier than fighting a baby to sleep or ordering the entire baby sleep section off amazon books, secretly hoping he sees the stack and realizes you mean business without having to actually implement anything that causes MORE crying. Easier than fighting the frustration tantrums of a two year old. Easier than trying to make dinner while balancing said screaming baby on one hip, stirring with your other hand and rolling trains around the floor with your toes. We fight against things that make us stronger, dare I say, better.
We decided before having babies that we would find a book that summed up something we hoped for our child. For Cade’s baby shower and hospital stay after delivery we had friends and well-wishers sign the Dr. Seuss book “Oh the Places You’ll Go” because that kid is going to go somewhere and hopefully not to jail. There’s a part in his book that plays through my head often. “No. That’s not for you. Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying and find bright places where boom bands are playing.” How do you do that? How do you find those bright places where you aren’t waiting for something to change? For me I think it takes purposeful thought that grounds me in present day. So in an effort to purposefully find those bright places I’m going to be starting a new blog (in addition to this one) to specifically focus my heart on the lovely things that are all around me. To focus my heart not on the things I find lacking but on the things that make my life so full. This is momma-hood. It can make us short sighted but our lives are full and we are blessed. We just can’t see it sometimes without stopping and choosing to. So stay tuned. And if anyone knows a good website designer let me know.
So for my third Mother’s Day ever, I want to be a momma to the messy babies and the messy life that I already have. And if I was again being honest with myself, the celebratory thought of pretending I’m not a momma for a day only emerges in my conscious because I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn’t trade these little boys for anything. They are here to stay and these boys make me momma. And for these littles I am blessed. If you are a momma or almost a momma or have a dream of being a momma this day is for you. It is your day because it reminds you and allows you to choose to see the blessings. We need to slow down. Slow all that striving and embrace the lovely that has already been set in our hands. Happy Mother’s Day.